Glover’s words of wisdom
His upcoming commencement address
By Tommy Owens
From the May 2007 Print Edition
Danny Glover has been selected to give the Class of 2007 University of California at Berkeley Commencement Address. What follows is an excerpt from his upcoming speech:
“… so I believe the best thing you all can do to learn is not to go to school. That’s right. Don’t go to school. Walk out. Leave your capitalist backpacks on Sproul Plaza and march out of Wheeler Auditorium. I did just that. Across the bay at San Francisco State, I led a five-month protest — the longest in U.S. history! Five months! Was it for academic freedom? No. Was it for student financial issues? No. Was it against some terrible atrocity or genocide in a foreign land? Nope. It was for ‘Ethnic Day’ — a day where we come together to celebrate all of us who happen to not be Caucasian-American. We protested the things that mattered in my time. I hope you all will follow my example.
People come up to me all the time and ask me who my heroes are. Without even thinking, I would have to say President of Venezuela, and Master of All that He Surveys, Hugo Rafael Chávez Frías. There’s a leader! There’s someone who, unlike those criminals in Washington, is able to keep his word. He brought democracy to Caracas. Sure he’s axing television stations like crazy, but what does that matter? Sure he issues laws via imperial decree, but it’s all in the name of social justice! Come on now, when you’re fighting off American imperialism, you gotta do whatcha gotta do! [chuckles]
I’m part of an anti-imperialist organization myself, you know. Have y’all heard of ANSWER? That stands for Act Now to Stop War and End Racism. I think that organization has been so successful lately. It stopped the imperialists in their war against Afghanist… well, not really. It stopped the illegal war in Iraq … well, at least France didn’t send troops. ANSWER also ended racism in modern America. We were accused of some funky anti-Semitism business back in 2003 — but, you know, it was just the Zionists up to their tricks again.
This brings me to President Bush and his imperialist cronies. [audience hisses and boos] Who elected these people? 2000 was rigged! 2004 was a fraud! They made people wait in line in Ohio. WAIT IN LINE! I’m glad you guys aren’t like that here in Berkeley. You like illegal immigration here — people crossing over the border while other people are in line to get in the United States — that’s good. You like BAMN and the Defend Affirmative Action Party — that’s also good. I like it when people are judged solely on the basis of their skin color [pauses, scratches, and shakes head].
You know, you people here have a great chancellor here. Mr. Robert Birgeneau please stand up. [audience politely claps while the chancellor waves, smiles, and sits down] You know, Bobby Boy, you’ve done a heck of a job here. Forget about those fee increases. Tuition hikes? Bah! The real enemy toward success at Berkeley is that … what’s it called? … um … Proposition 207. Yeah. [Chancellor Birgeneau leans and whispers into Glover’s ear] Oh, 209! Proposition 209. [laughter] Sorry, everybody. Maybe I shouldn’t have walked out of class for those five months. [laughter and applause]
Hollywood is great, you know. You really get to see people and their true identities. I love my friend Mel Gibson. Great guy, despite all the trouble he’s been in. Oprah Winfrey? As genuine as they come. Whoopi Goldberg? Sincere and warm. It’s what I love about Hollywood – the ability to see through all these people’s personas and get down to the real core of them. People are so honest and kind there. It’s amazing.
People think I should enter the San Francisco race for mayor. I could do it. I could win. But I’m happy with the way things are now. Newsom is holdin’ down the fort across the bay. [applause] The homeless situation over there is fixed! It’s all fixed! [looks at the director of a local homeless shelter who looks befuddled] What are you looking at punk? Imperialist. Republican! Do you know who I am? I was in To Sleep With Anger! [Chancellor Birgeneau puts his hand on Glover’s shoulder while the latter breathes heavily]
When I played Sgt. Roger Murtaugh in the Lethal Weapon series, I really think that was the high point of my career. Did you all see me in those movies? Did ya see Joe Pesci in Lethal Weapon 3? When we made him talk with the laughing gas? That’s kind of my hope for you all. If I could impart to you one piece of advice, it is to be the laughing gas. Forget what those other commencement-address speakers have told you, [in a mocking voice] Pulitzer Prize winners, secretaries of state, world movers and shakers. You know what I am? I’m an actor — someone who makes people laugh, think, and cry. That’s what’s important in today’s society …”
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