An ignoble fir

The Douglas fir is probably named after a racist, too

By Aditya Kashyap
From the December 2006 Print Edition

Every year, an unimaginable act of mass murder occurs. Millions of living beings are slaughtered in the name of festive cheer and tradition. Their carcasses are adorned with unnatural, man-made materials and gaudy trinkets in a sick, sadistic ritual. The heinous crime in question is the annual axing and exporting of evergreen Christmas trees.

To celebrate the season, let’s take a moment to dwell on this and other noteworthy objections to the use of a Christmas tree.

1. For all the talk about morality and family values that Christians supposedly champion, it seems highly ironic that they would adorn their homes with a giant phallic symbol while celebrating the birth of their Lord. Indeed, the ancient Slavic peoples of Eastern Europe worshipped Douglas firs as pagan gods of fertility. It was believed that the acorn and needles that were the respective female and male reproductive apparatuses of the evergreens would bless those that paid them credence with a bounty of children. These sexual overtones are not acceptable in the family holiday that is Christmas.

2. The five-pointed star adorning the majority of conventional Christmas trees is a pagan symbol remnant of heathen Roman religions, as Dan Brown effectively highlights in The Da Vinci Code. The five points of the star are obviously a reference to the five petals of the rose, a symbol of female fertility and thus the star is a tool of feminists. The Bible asserts that feminists, along with thieves and murderers, are sinners. Thus, by crowning Christmas trees with stars one is aiding feminists in their wicked causes. The notion that the star could simply be a reference to the star that shone above the place of Christ’s birth is ridiculous; even if there was a star positioned above baby Christ on that fateful day no one could have seen it due to light pollution (another problem government needs to address).

3. The Christmas lights many folks choose to adorn their Christmas tree with are potential fire hazards, as noted by the Federal Trade Commission.

4. Packaged gifts placed under the tree every year are the evil products of capitalism; the economic competition, greed, and drive to attain wealth are the pillars of the segregated suffering that happens in the United States every year. What about the kids who don’t get presents, or the kids that don’t get presents as expensive as those their peers receive? Jesus would have wanted everyone to have a PlayStation 3, not just the richest kids.

5. Christmas trees have souls and feelings too! How would you feel if someone chopped you down and dressed you up with shiny objects? Christmas trees deserve to be treated in an ethical manner. Growing trees in mass numbers only to kill them the next year is equivalent to the Holocaust.

6. The byproducts from the process used to create those Christmas tree ball ornaments contribute to global warming. Al Gore proposes to use alternative, biodegradable objects such as Swedish meatballs sold at Ikea. The Environmental Protection Agency should use taxpayer money to support environmentally conscious ornament alternatives.

7. The Christmas tree is a racist, fascist symbol. The crowning ornament, whether it be a golden star (representing blonde hair) or an angel (usually dressed in white) is at the top of the tree, rising above all else. On the other hand the base of the tree, or the trunk, is brown and dark. This suggests a racial hierarchy similar to the one Hitler purported.

8. The Food and Drug Administration has deemed that pine needles on Christmas trees are harmful if swallowed by children and should be kept out of reach of kids under the age of three. The Christmas tree is an accident simply waiting to happen and, for the safety of your children, it should be banned or at least come with an appropriate warning label.

9. Most importantly, not everyone can afford a Christmas tree. This inequality is unjust and cruel. To reduce social upheaval, no one should have a Christmas tree.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider supporting the Patriot