“A Festivus for the rest of us!”

The annual Airing of Grievances

By Alisa Farenzena
From the December 2005 Print Edition

Now that you’ve read the rest of the magazine, you’ve probably had your fill of Christmas content. The emphasis on Christmas might be offensive to some, since we all know that there are some who don’t celebrate December 25 and choose instead to celebrate December 23 — Festivus.

If you’re among those who have made a “donation” to The Human Fund to avoid spending money on Christmas gifts, or if you truly believe — like Frank Costanza — that Christmas has become too commercialized and empty, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a little something for the rest of us. Let’s pull the Festivus Pole out of the crawl space and gather around the table for a big Festivus dinner. As we all know, a major part of the holiday is the Airing of Grievances, and I’ve got a lot of problems with you people:

Defend Affirmative Action Party ASUC Senator Yvette Felarca: We at the Patriot have had plenty of grievances with you, from your advocacy of racism to your busing in of high schoolers to demonstrate (and steal from Foot Locker). I’d have to say that your most harmful action this year was to extort from the student government the $15,000 in student funds that the ASUC agreed in February to use to settle a case you and your DAAP henchmen filed in federal court. Really, Yvette, suing a student government in federal court? Not to mention the fact that you’re 35 years old — haven’t you outgrown student government yet?

Chancellor Robert Birgeneau: At the UC Berkeley Diversity Forum in March, you said to your colleagues, “we need to test the legal limits, to find what is and isn’t possible under 209 ... we must be prepared to get our hands slapped.” With all due respect, Chancellor, stop trying to circumvent the law and stay focused on raising money for Cal.

Warren Beatty: Your commencement speech at the Goldman School of Public Policy in May was over the top, especially for a college dropout. A graduation is not the appropriate place to hold an Arnold-bashing rally.

People who put up Christmas decorations in October: Am I right, people? I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ever been disgusted by the fact that you can’t walk into a Macy’s within two and a half months of Christmas without being bombarded with the holiday. Does anyone really want to see Christmas trees before Halloween? Can’t we ever just live in the here and now, enjoying each day as it comes? Besides which, I find tinsel distracting.

Cindy Sheehan, Ben Cohen, and assorted anti-war protestors: Your behavior has been deplorable. I don’t see how throwing a Molotov cocktail at the San Francisco Chronicle building in your November 2 demonstration, thereby setting a police officer on fire, could possibly advance your agenda. What’s more, no matter a person’s opinion of the war in Iraq, the time for outcry and protest ended with the start of the war. Your continued anti-military, anti-American conduct demoralizes our troops and makes them vulnerable to terrorists and insurgents, whom you empower and encourage to keep up their fight.

Matt Moreno: While we’re on the topic, according to your letter to the editor lambasting my October article, you actually think that U.S. citizens undertaking actions that encourage the insurgents isn’t a frightening problem facing our nation? Well, dear reader, I’d like to see how you would fare if up against killers who have been emboldened by hearing that your own countrymen are on their side. (Oh, and I am aware that Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream for a time called its “Gingerbread Cookie” flavor “Festivus” — just wanted to save you the trouble of writing a research paper to tell me so.)

ASUC External Vice President Sharon Han: Even if you used your own money to make the flyers about Proposition 73, including them in the ASUC voter guide was absurd since that proposition had absolutely nothing to do with Cal student life. Oh, and another thing too — why the hell does the student government even make a voter guide? I think the Department of Elections has that one covered, guys.

People who don’t read ballot initiatives before voting: It’s an insult to the democratic process and to your fellow citizens to refrain from reading an initiative and making an informed decision simply because you don’t like whoever is for the proposition. We could have had actual reform in California this year, but you folks blew it because you couldn’t see past your irrational hatred for the governor. Voting against an initiative for spite is a hell of a lot more serious than moving to Florida for spite. Real classy, real classy indeed.

Well, I think I’ve finished airing my grievances for the year. Happy Festivus, everyone! Oh, wait — we haven’t done the Feats of Strength yet. The holiday’s not over until someone pins me!

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