Introspections of the rich & famous

How some prominent personalities observe the holiday season

By Reva Alavian
From the November 2004 Print Edition

This Thanksgiving, we all have so much to be grateful for, like family, friends, a nationally ranked football team, cowboys, and Republican control of Congress. But have you ever stopped to wonder what some of our more famous Berkeley personalities and United States politicians are thankful for? If so, then this is your lucky day, because as always, the Patriot has the answers:

George W. Bush: “I’m thankful that the American people were smart enough to realize that a prissy Frenchman would make a terrible United States President. And that nobody messed with Texas.”

John Kerry: “I’m thankful that I didn’t resign from my Senate seat in order to run for President.”

John Edwards: “I’m grateful that after all the ups and downs of this campaign, my hair still looks great. Also, that in another four years, I’ll have another chance to be defeated as the vice presidential candidate. Clinton-Edwards ’08!”

Karl Rove: “I’m grateful that no one believes the theories of the crackpot left about my mysterious evil plans…even though they’re all true!”

Al Gore: “I’m glad that I’m no longer the only loser to be defeated by Bush. But I wish I had never invented the Internet — damn bloggers!”

Bob Birgeneau: “I already gave thanks in October, because that’s when Canadian Thanksgiving is. But if I have to be thankful again, I guess I’m glad that Berdahl finally gave back his spare key to the house. It was a little disconcerting coming downstairs in the middle of the night and seeing him sprawled on the couch, watching Conan.”

Bob Berdahl: “I’m thrilled that this campus is now someone else’s mess to deal with. Let the new guy try to figure out how to please everyone. Those socialists? They don’t really inspire the warm fuzzies you’d expect from people who believe in a cooperative society.”

Jeff Tedford: “I’m grateful that the people of Berkeley have been supportive of Cal football. And that they worship me now. That’s pretty cool. I bet Steve Mariucci never had a shirt declaring him a deity.”

Aaron Rodgers: “I’m thankful that Tom Holmoe is nowhere near me or the rest of the team right now.”

Trent Edwards, Stanfurd Quarterback: “I’m grateful that 95% percent of your grade here is based on attendance.”

People’s Park: “Homeless people live in me! There’s not too much to be thankful for.”

Tom Bates: “It’s a wonderful thing that in this right-wing country, at least Berkeley remains an island of progressive politics. And that the residents don’t have a problem with their mayor stealing.”

Dan Rather: “I’m so glad that I am still the most trusted news source in America. I can educate the public on important issues, and even if the actual facts I tell them aren’t true, the message behind them is. Fake but accurate is still journalistic integrity, I assure you.”

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